Field Note #10 - Leaning Into Life

Recently, I found myself experiencing significant pain in my big toe. 

And when I began to work with it, I discovered there was so much there.

Not one story.

Not one explanation.

But many pieces—physical sensations, emotions, memories, histories, adaptations—appearing almost like points within a constellation.

One thing connected to another.

Then another.

Some of the connections surprised me. Some seemed to reach far beyond the pain itself.

Gradually, I began to experience the whole thing almost as a geometric pattern—a multidimensional convergence of many strands of my life meeting within this one experience.

I could have tried to follow every thread.

To understand what each piece meant.

To determine which one was responsible.

But something else happened when I simply allowed myself to see the constellation.

I could appreciate it.

I didn't need to untangle everything or find the answer.

Simply acknowledging the richness of what was there began to create space.

I could listen.

And eventually, from somewhere within this much larger pattern, a gift emerged, by necessity:

Walk freely, barefoot on the Earth again.

I have always loved walking barefoot.

But living here in Belize, I found myself doing it less and less. There are ants and insects, snakes, thorns and all kinds of things underfoot that make shoes a rather practical choice.

And then, there it was... walking barefoot became part of healing my foot.

Feeling the ground.

Allowing my feet to move and respond and breathe here on the Earth.

Reunited with something I had always loved.

And somewhere within this larger constellation, another movement was becoming clear:

Lean forward into life.

I know the movement of pulling back in my own body.

I know what it feels like to organize myself behind myself rather than moving forward into space.

And now something different was being remembered.

Forward.
Toward.
Into.

Not pushing.

Not ignoring pain.

But exploring the possibility of moving toward life again, freely.

The Body as Access

This is an important part of how I work with the body.

I don't experience the body simply as a storage container holding old experiences that need to be excavated or removed.

I experience it as an access point.

Something is being expressed in this moment.

And when we meet that expression with love, attention, curiosity and listening, it can open us into a much richer territory of experience.

There may be many dimensions meeting at once—physical, emotional, psychological, relational, historical, spiritual.

We don't necessarily need to know which piece caused which.

We can witness the constellation, appreciate its complexity, and listen for what emerges.

Pain, Protection and Pulling Back

My own experience also brought me back to something I have explored for many years through movement and my work with people living with persistent pain.

I often encounter an organization in the body that draws inward or backward—a tendency toward flexion and pulling or leaning back.

I see variations of it alongside chronic discomfort through the sacroiliac area and lumbar spine, the neck and shoulders, and through the larger organization of the body. 

In fact, I see this pattern again and again.

And so, I find myself curious about the relationship.

Is there something about flexion, and pulling back underlying these patterns?

Protection is part of this inquiry too.

When something hurts—or feels unsafe—we naturally brace, shorten, withdraw or pull away.

Protection has intelligence.

But what happens when protection becomes an ongoing organization?

When the body continues to inhabit a pattern of pulling back?

I don't assume that a particular movement pattern has one particular psychological meaning, or that there is one explanation for someone's pain.

But our physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual experiences meet in the way we inhabit ourselves.

And sometimes an organization of pulling back seems to express something larger:

holding ourselves back.

Much of the movement work I do with people experiencing chronic pain involves helping them rediscover another possibility.

Forward.

Not stand up straight.

Not push through.

But gradually exploring what it is like to move toward again.

And I wonder:

What else becomes possible when we begin moving toward life?

From Protection to Exploration

This is where another part of the constellation began to illuminate itself for me.

Creativity.

Creativity, by its nature, is exploratory.

We enter without already knowing where something will lead.

We try.

We sense.

We respond.

We change direction.

We discover.

Perhaps there is something significant in this movement from protection toward exploration.

When protection no longer needs to organize everything, perhaps we can reach again.

Encounter.

Experiment.

Create.

Perhaps healing itself can sometimes be a creative process.

Not because we invent a meaning for our pain or decide what the body is trying to tell us.

But because we become willing to enter into relationship with what is here without already knowing the answer.

We become explorers again.

And perhaps this is another way of leaning forward into life.

Not charging ahead.

Not knowing exactly where we are going.

But remaining responsive to the terrain beneath our feet while still being willing to move.

To reach.

To discover.

To participate.

There may be many threads converging within one experience.

We don't necessarily need to pull them all apart.

Sometimes simply seeing the constellation creates space.

Sometimes the gift that emerges is an understanding.

Sometimes an emotion.

Sometimes a movement.

And sometimes it may be as simple—and as profound—as placing our bare feet on the Earth again...

feeling the living ground beneath us...

and discovering that something is inviting us to lean forward into life.

Perhaps the inquiry is simply:

What is here? 

What might this experience give me access to?

And somewhere within that constellation...

What is asking me forward?

With love,

Kimba